A common complaint I hear from women is that they tend to be attracted to the “wrong” men.
I hear statements like: “I’m dating this guy but I’m just not feeling it,” “I always end up dating a creep or a psycho,” and “I think I’ll just have to get used to the fact that I’ll always be single.”
I will shed some light on 4 of the pitfalls and how to avoid them:
First of all, too frequently, women focus on the chemistry (or lack thereof) when they first start dating someone. Whether it’s movies or fairytales, we all tend to have this idea that we should have instant, intense chemistry when we first start dating someone. We get freaked out when it’s not there and we assume it will never develop.
Sure, chemistry is vital to a relationship. I’m not advocating that it doesn’t need to be there. However, I do advise giving the man a fair chance for the chemistry to grow before you write him off completely.
The pitfalls I’ve seen on the opposite end of the spectrum of chemistry can be damaging. For instance, when the relationship is based solely on chemistry, it can become very intense very quickly. It can be hard to identify whether there are other commonalities besides the physical connection.
Secondly, very often women say they want to date a “nice guy” but when a nice guy comes along, he will often get rejected. I know for sure that the men reading this (if there are any) are nodding their heads right about now.
Unfortunately, most women still haven’t shaken off their fantasy of taming a bad boy. They often overlook a good man for a “bad boy” and wind up getting very hurt in the end.
I advocate for a real soul-searching here. Ask yourself, do you equate niceness with desperation? I know many of you might wonder why I am asking such a seemingly ridiculous question. But really ask yourself. Because there is a big difference between a man being kind, and possibly insecure (as we all can be), and being desperate.
Thirdly, many women are quite inflexible with the ways they go about meeting men. Some women are adamantly opposed to giving online dating a try while others complain about never meeting anyone while staying at home every night.
I encourage a sense of flexibility and trying new things. Is going out with friends or starting an online dating profile a sure-fire way to meet Mr. Right? No. But it opens up opportunities that you may be shutting yourself away from.
Lastly, do you notice a pattern with the type of men you wind up dating? What sort of qualities do they have in common? Do they behave in similar ways or end up treating you in ways you don’t want to be treated? What can you learn from this?
When patterns develop, it’s usually us, and not them. The moment you take responsibility for your own part in whatever goes wrong in a relationship is the moment you take control back into your life. Blaming the other person for what went wrong places all the responsibility on them. It’s much more liberating to know you played a part … because you can do something about it in the future.
Misa Butsuhara, LMFT is co-author of The Other Woman’s Affair www.TheOtherWomansAffair.com
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