You gave him a shot and went on a date. He was nice … maybe too nice and now you want to part ways ASAP! Your “go-to” response is something like, “It’s not you, I’m just not in the place to date” when you know you are! Is this truly the best choice over going “radio silent?” Or, has withholding the truth become not so much protecting the other person’s feelings, as it has become a way of “writing-the-person-off.”
Is withholding the “real reasons” for why it’s a “no-go” for you helping or hurting? Do people want to know the real reasons? Could “I am just not attracted to you” be the new dating etiquette provided there is constructive information attached? Would guys want to know “you come across too needy” or “You come across too arrogant for me.” Why wouldn’t they want this feedback? Sure they may not like it in the moment, but after collecting some data, and when they hear the same things over and over they are more likely to make changes that would truly help them.
Our failure to front-load the truth is creating less meaningful and more meaningless connections. This leaves the dating experience to feel unproductive leading us to burnout. The following are a few tips to consider next time you’re throwing a fish back to the sea.
#1 Be constructive: Tell it like it is!
Provided you are being honest and factual – this could actually be quite appreciated and respected. Certainly there is a difference between “You’re an AS******!” and “You’re a bit over-confident for me.”
#2 Leave Clichés for Hallmark
“I’m not ready for a relationship.” “I should spend more time with the kids” (or disappearing all together) are clichés that may overtime impact your character and the confident person you may be striving to be. By now everyone knows they are pseudo-kind remarks that are often more hurtful.
#3 Accept the Superficial
We all have a degree of superficiality on a continuum. If you truly are not attracted to the “nice guy” what would that do to you to actually own it? Run with the bad boy until you feel its truly run it’s course. Doing so may actually take the fun out of the bad boy and help you take more responsibility for how you want your life to unfold.
#4 It you DO want it – take a Leap of Faith
Maybe he is “nice” yet you aren’t attracted to him. It’s fair to say you don’t truly know him yet. Perhaps a 3 date minimum rule can be put in place for the nice guy where you DO give some feedback along the way. Nice guys are only nice on a continuum. They have learned it’s “bad” to be too confident. These guys may need a reminder that they can be a little edgy and still be nice.
Relationships are not easy. They should be some work yet be enjoyable. A lot of that enjoyment comes from what we ourselves bring to it. – So shake it up and experiment with these principles. It certainly will be an experience to share – and might actually get you closer to what you really want.
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